Saturday, August 21, 2010


I just couldn't believe how my life and my mindset have changed within this past four months. 

It specifically started when I turned 19.

Everything started when I turned 19.

All the thrills,
All the flirting,
All the love stuff,
All the lessons about love and life.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AND REALIZED(whether right or wrong I don't care but this is what I've learned):
Learned to flirt, mingle, like, love, get hurt.
Learned more about infatuation, intimacy, commitment.
Learned how guys think.
Learned to open my rational mind when in love.
Learned to know if someone loves/love/loved me or not.
Learned not to give it my all when in love.
Learned that guys should love more than girls love them.
Realize how love sucks.
Realize that it wasn't time for me to get serious about relationships.
Realized how fun life is when you're unattached.
And realized how an experience made me scared to fall in love again :( 
(what a common realization/reaction yaah yaah I know but hey, it's really traumatic.There was a question in an audition sheet about "What is your biggest fear?" I answered failure, I should've added "getting hurt" there, it could be part of rejection, but the hurt is what I am really afraid of.)

I've learned a lot about these things within 4 months.

I mean, these are what I should have learned little by little but destiny paved its way to make me learn a lot about this in one throw.

A lot has changed.

The way I think.
The way I handle my life.
The way I view things.
The way I view love.
And the way I view life.

As of now, I'm still trying to get back on track and get the old me back.
It's hard though, from the things I have experienced I sure learned the hard way.
Somehow, it serves me right.
My stubborn mind would just shun away the love lecture people share to me and say every love is different, I don't need a basis on this.
But the truth is I need to learn a lot about love.

I'm trying to get my focus back on the things I need to focus on.
Yes, something happened that made a big big impact in my life,
something that pushed my pause button.


I have started retrieving my PLAY button, thank God there are people around me who's constantly there for me.

It has been a hard process for me, seriously, it was like my whole world collapsed that time.

I didn't know what to do, but thank you to God, my family, and my friends I have gone through it fairly well.

But I can still notice the big change in me, both in a good way and in a bad way.
Now, I'm trying to change the bad "change" that happened to me.

I do have to get my self-respect back because it's kind of starting a rebellion against the administration(myself).

I have a lot of things to regain, but I have to do it one step at a time.

So now, what do I have to do?

I have to forgive myself(as what Maam Lyn said, I still have not forgiven myself fully)
I have to fix myself

I have to bring back my self respect
I have to bring my pride back up(in some aspects)
I have to bring back my MOMENTUM

I wonder if there's someone out there who can help me gain back these stuff I had lost.
I sure can do this on my own but whatever or whoever it is would definitely be a great help.

God's there for me I know.:)

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